You have some very good information here and your links page is very helpful. I was wondering if you could answer a question.

I just returned from my parents. It was a great visit until I was getting ready to leave. Mom refused her shower from the care giver, I tried to help but she just got mad at everyone. I know she is just venting, she’s great until we try to get her to do something. During my visit I spend time playing cards, something we did a lot when I lived at home, she really didn't know what was going on but it seemed to make her happy. It was strange going to my nephew’s graduation without her, my sisters and I missed her company so much. It’s just so upsetting when Mom won’t let the caregiver wash her more often. She does get her to do these things but not all the time. My sisters and I hired the caregiver over four months ago, we really thought she would be use to her by now, but she isn't. She just hates the idea of someone telling her what to do.

My question is: Do dementia patients ever just give in and accept their limitations? Even my father can’t accept the fact that Mom can't do things for herself.

Hi Bianca,

Thanks for visiting our website and I hope that I can help address some of your concerns.

You asked about the dementia accepting their limitations. One thing that I have learned when working with the dementia person and their family is the feeling of their loss of independence. In the early stages of the disease, often the person who is experiencing the disease will realize that they are having difficulty remembering things and will try to cover it up. In the efforts to cover up probably one of their greatest fears, they will make it even more obvious to you they are having problems.

People often hold off addressing the forgetfulness because at first it is just considered a "pleasant forgetfulness" but as time progresses, the family will see a change in their behavior as the dementia becomes more pronounced. That is when the family often will take their loved to see their physician. Once they have ruled out the type of dementia that is reversible, which can be caused by infections, dehydration or electrolyte imbalance, then they start thinking there is a pathological problem going on.

The fear of losing independence is so hard for them to accept. They often will go through the grieving stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression just knowing there is a serious problem. They want so badly to be all right.

I do not know what stage of the disease process your mother is in, but I feel she might be feeling a sense of loss of her independence and rejects help from others. She wants to be able to do things on her own. Often she knows she can’t but just isn’t ready to admit that to herself.

I wonder if maybe your mother was rejecting the bath because she knew you were leaving and she didn’t want to be taking a bath only to find you gone after she was done. Maybe next time, you can either change her bath time, or help her with it or reassure her that you will still be there when she is finished.

As the disease progresses often they do become more agitated and resist help and then again, some become very compliant and accept help. If your mother is used to fending for herself, she may resist help for a period of time.

I tell people, try to make the experience they are refusing as pleasant as possible. Allow them to do as much for themselves as possible, have the bathroom warm, the water temperature just right and her clothes laid out. Allow her to pick out (if she can) the clothes she would like to put on so she feels that she still has some control over her life.

These are some of the bathing problems and solutions that I offer when I teach about Alzheimer’s disease.

Bathing Problems and Solutions

Problems:

 Lack of privacy
 Unable to find the shower
 Losing interest in self-care

Solution:

 Allow them to take a bath or shower when they feel most
comfortable – some like in AM, others in PM
 Help them when it is needed
 Set up a schedule
 Set things out for the bath and show them the bathroom. Make sure
of the water temperature ahead of time
 Encourage them on how nice they look when clean

With the caregiver, just knowing what is down the road for them, starting to feel the loss of their mate is most difficult and is very hard to accept. It takes a great deal of understanding on your part to help them walk through this world of the unknown.

I was a caregiver to both my parents and my spouse and it was most difficult for me. I lost all three of them. Although none was due to Alzheimer’s disease, dementia played a role in their illnesses and it was very difficult for me.

For the caregiver, it can be the loneliest job in the world. They will need all the support and respite they can get. It is not going to be an easy road, and I tell people this is one of the longest good-bye’s there is. Remember, your Dad is almost going to need more help than your mother, other than monitoring her and keeping her safe and well. He is shouldering the responsibility and he may feel very angry because of this responsibility. Going to classes and learning about Alzheimer's disease is a wonderful way to learn and gain support along with joining a support group. Many are experiencing the same situation and can be a great source of comfort and a time to share.

I try to teach the family to be patient with their loved one and attempt to divert their attention to something else if they are acting out and refuse to do what you want them to do. Sometimes coming back to it later will be more acceptable. Also the way you approach them is so important. They may not understand or remember what you may say, but they know exactly how you feel. They can sense your emotions like radar. That will often dictate how they respond in a given situation.

As the disease progresses and they forget easier and sort of drift into their own little world, they aren’t as upset of having dementia because they really don’t realize what is wrong. At the beginning is always difficult because they know they are having problems, yet they are lucid enough to understand many things. Therefore one will often demonstrate mood swings.

Remaining calm, working with the behaviors, respecting their dignity is the key issue of working with the dementia person. It’s hard on everyone and I know how hard it must be on you knowing that your mother isn’t the way she used to be. You end up having a mother/daughter role reversal. Just remember, when she acts out, it isn’t at you, it’s the disease talking.

I hope this will help you some. Please feel free to contact me on any other issues or concerns you have and I will do my best to answer them. I am only a registered nurse, not a physician, so I can only speak from experience of working with them. Never ever hesitate to contact your physician if there is any problem, especially when they are on medications.

I'm here for you -
Linda

Thank you so much for such an informative reply. It's been very hard seeing my mother dissolve right before my eyes. It's so comforting to know I can come here and get answers.

You're more than welcome Bianca. No question is too small, too big or too silly to ask. I know I had them myself. If you have any others, please don't hesitate to come back. I try and post articles on the site so people can read different subject matters on Alzheimer's. We are also on Facebook if you want to look us up. We're here for you

Blessings,

Linda